Let me rest in peace
Sometimes I try to understand people. I often fail. Not because of not being comprehensive enough, for not being interested enough or anything like this. You know me, I'm super interested in people. No, this breaths a different problem. The simple problem that people are really, really stupid. I want to be as clear as possible that I don't consider myself smart. In fact, I'm foolish and often have a foolish-esque aura to me. I'm secluded, sluggish and people in real life won't usually consider my opnion at all. But I get conflicting observations where, it seems to me that people are incredibly stupid for some reason. Almost any person that I get contact to by regular means appears completely unaware of everything.
It's so weird. I completely understand that a lot of the things we built to understand the world are exactly what they are: constructions, abstractions for us to understand the world and what any of this means. Being smart or dumb simply isn't capable of trying to portray any percentage of a character whatsoever. This people pose me a difficult case-study in where I'm almost convinced that abstractions can be accurate, probably a dangerous way of thinking. It just makes sense because all those people are eating from their own fecal material in a snake-like structure of people eating fecalities of the next. I'm ashamed to believe that this works, it just does.
Maybe I'm just stressed because it wasn't a silent day. Ironically, despite music being part of my life, it's the same thing that fuels my worst scenarios. Baby screaming. Neightbours gossiping. Cars and trucks passing by. Unnecessarily loud (uninspired) music. Annoyed people. Over and over again. A pair of people clearly misunderstanding each other. It's all a nightmare for my ears. I can't seem to ignore any sound that comes by, and while that can be beautiful sometimes, it's depressing a big chunk of the time. I have to spend time alone. I want to be alone.
It's being a tough week mentally and physically. I really want to believe that I can do anything I want, whenever I want and I still think that's true as long as I can be a woman. Yesterday, I decided to exercise my independence by getting out of the work and going to eat a burger, by myself. It was okay, will do it again. I ended up making my dad worried because I was 40 minutes late to home. It's really hard to do anything without notice. It's fine, it's effortless, just send a message before you do, it's fine. I still not sure if my spontaneity is doing me favors here, but I know it's part of the process. Again, I REALLY want to be alone. I love my dad, I just need time to recharge from everybody. I'm exausted from all of this thing I don't want to be doing and I don't have time well spent by myself. While I was eating that burger, I heard the same music that plays at my work, at my neighbors... I feel trapped for a long time now.
Please... I don't drink alcohol, I don't do drugs, I only do caffeine, and sugar, lots of it, but I'm generally healthy. Please, just give me some time alone, by myself: no sound, no people shouting, no unsupervised children screaming, no gossips, no TikTok, no electronics, no fake christianism. This is all I want. The only reason I'm able to write this is by sticking my headphones with a white noise sound to wash all the people screaming in the background and annoying construction sounds. This is being the way I can let go of thoughts. Please, leave me in peace.